Episode 18: All about appearance – don’t we actually have to be perfect?

by | Sep 25, 2020 | Clarity, Communication, Fear, Life, Mindfulness, Self-Confidence | 0 comments

Phew, quite often we think that we have to be something. AND that others should not know everything about us. 

I thought about this for quite a while after I had dinner with a friend and she confided something to me. Something that nobody was allowed to know. Something incriminating. At first she found it hard to talk about it – and then it did her good.
And it did me good too. Not only did she trust me so much that she told me. What’s bothering her right now is something that affects her indirectly and that she can only influence indirectly. Instead, she has to find out how to deal with it. And funny enough, I know what she was talking about. It only affects me indirectly, too and that’s why I don’t necessarily talk about it with friends.

So the conversation did us both good. And inspired me to think about “appearance”.
Why do we keep it up? What is so important about it? What are we afraid of?
How real can we be?
Others think about us what they want anyway.

I’m very open and honest now and I would even talk about almost any topic on stage in front of an audience.
But that was not always the case. (And the openness refers to myself. Not everyone around me wants me to talk about their characteristic with others.)

When I became a coach, I knew a number of methods that I used with my clients. But I had not yet established any routines or a supportive coaching network in my life. And then I had the worst heartache of my life. I had the feeling that my heart was breaking every minute over and over again.

The worry about what happens if the perfect appearance is not maintained is often so great that some topics may not only be hushed up. They may even be so immense that lies are told so that the perfect is not ruined.
It causes that you are perhaps not open to others. That you want to protect yourself. That you want to make sure that you will not be hurt. Often there are beliefs behind it, for example something like “they will use that against me”.
When I was lovesick, the pain was compounded by the thought: Am I allowed to feel this way? What happens if my clients notice this? As a coach, don’t I have to be perfect for anyone to want to be advised by me?
By now I know that none of my clients expect me to be Buddha. My experiences and examples rather help them to tackle their own issues.

So: can others really harm us with their knowledge about us?
As I said at the beginning, others think what they want about us anyway. And we do the same. Byron Katie, for example, says:
“You are who I believe you to be. I believe the thoughts about you, so that’s who you are.

I love her quotes on that subject. Feel free to come to my “love what you do” Facebook group – I’ll upload a few more quotes from her.

What I noticed for me: while the others have their own pictures about me in their heads, I feel best when I am as much my true self as possible and just real and natural.

I wish you a lot of fun being yourself! 

Be happy & be light

Love Janina

P.S.: Follow me on social media: Facebook / @janinapernsot (Instagram)

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