Episode 21: What does actually happen when we stop trying to be good? – How to be free

by | Oct 16, 2020 | Fear, Focus, Job, Life, Mindfulness, Performance | 0 comments

We spend our lives trying to be good.
We want to be good at what we do. We want to be a good person. A good partner. A good daughter (or a good son). A good friend. Good at what we do.
In doing so, we stick to what we believe is right. Codes of behavior that we have been taught by others. That we have learned from others. That we have created ourselves through good and bad experiences that we have had.
“I’ll do that all the time now” or “Oh my God, I’ll never do it again”. Because it hurt, for example.
There are expectations from outside – and from within ourselves. We have expectations of ourselves, of how we have to be. What we have to look like: slim, well dressed and it’s even about where enough hair should be on our body (on the head) and where better not (for example on the legs). I’ll never forget when I was 14 and dated a boy from my clique, and a girlfriend of mine noticed that he would probably like me even better if I shaved my legs.
And we have expectations about how we should behave. More patient, more loving, less angry. Successful. Grateful.
And maybe in our own evaluation, we’re not even particularly generous with the stars.
And if we don’t meet all those expectations, we feel bad.
Or maybe we fulfill all of them and then bend over backwards for it. Stress ourselves totally to reach 100%. To not disappoint or annoy anyone. To not hurt anyone. To not worsen his or her opinion of us.
And in doing so we forget ourselves. Not paying attention to what we feel inside. What feels right. What we want ourselves right now.
Is it more important to us what others expect of us?
This leads to several questions:
Can we ever really fulfil this for others if we don’t do it wholeheartedly and want it ourselves?
And: Are we actually sure that the others want exactly what we are doing?
So if we bend ourselves without listening to ourselves, we also feel: bad.
But we also had expectations:
If we finally fulfill the goal to be good everywhere, then… yes, we feel good.
And why do we feel empty or bad in between?
Probably because we still haven’t reached the goal: To be good. Or, even better, PERFECT!
I believe that we feel much better if we listen to ourselves and find out what we want.
My speech “Feel your inner beat – march to your own drum” is also about: That we take time for ourselves. That we listen to ourselves. That we find out what we want and that we stand by it.
And maybe we are then not “good” in the conventional sense in all the roles we play in our lives – but maybe we are happy from the bottom of our hearts. Or sometimes from the bottom of our hearts angry or sad – but from the bottom of our hearts.
Or, as Glennon Doyle writes in the book “Untamed”:
“And now that we don’t have to be good, we can be free.”
So: free.
I recommend her book, by the way. By the way I have now also included book recommendations on my homepage.
I wish you a lot of fun finding out what you don’t want to do anymore, just to be “good” at something!
Be happy & be light
Love Janina

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